My Thoughts On The Oscar Best Picture Race Expressed Through Super Mario Cart

Y’all, I’m so tired of seeing rankings, and ranking things, and “who do you think will win Best Picture?”  It looked for a while like Lincoln had the star advantage, ever since Zero Dark Thirty connected with that nasty red shell John McCain launched, but Argo has recently gotten a huge turbo-boost from the Golden Globes and the BAFTAs, and even though Les Mis crashed off the course and Amour, Beasts of the Southern Wild, and Silver Linings Playbook are clearly one lap behind, it’s anybody’s race. Pick your player, Academy.

film studies

Well, it is foreign and painful. Seriously folks, Michael Haenke’s masochistifest on aging wants to you suffer, but you can’t help be riveted by the breathtaking artistry on display, not so unlike a certain Italian’s evil nemesis with a particularly intricate mustache. That said, while it’s totally got another category sown up, it’s probably not gonna win this one.


cinema theory

Princess Peach

If playing a stoicly heroic CIA agent who tries to be a good father and saves lives, damnnit, isn’t Ben Affleck’s way of putting on a tiara, I don’t know what is. The absence of a directing nod theoretically relegates Argo’s chances to the Castle Tower, but for a character that’s gained increasing power and agency, yet is classically tied to things the Academy loves (stories about Hollywood), you never know. It may end with the crown.

Beasts of the Southern Wild

film theory


This film is kind of a whole different species, made by and large outside the industry proper, with a first-time feature director, nonactors, and humble surrounds, but what an accomplishment for them and smaller independent films in general that they’re even included, enough of one to be leaping up cliffs, certainly. I bet they don’t even notice they don’t win. Go git som’mo’ shramp ahn’ goombas, chere! Roule Beasts!

Django Unchained



Oh, he knows he’s bad, but what’s the point of playing if you can’t have some swagger, breathe some fire, and blow up your director for having a horrible Australian accent? Not a favorite of anybody’s, really, but watch it steal something and Tarantino drunkenly throw his flask into the crowd while tickling Christoph Waltz’s beard. That’s entertainment.

Les Miserables

film criticism

Donkey Kong

This is a huge film with really only one move that it uses over and over and over again until it pounds the viewer into submission. Despite its gigantic size, though, all he really wants is some gooshy, melodramatically ripe bananas. Les Mis poses no threat.

Life of Pi



Those of us who love this guy are really fond of him. And certainly, there’s no mistaking the tall order of adapting such a difficult novel nor the exciting new heights to which the film has propelled the artistic use of 3D. But the majority of people? Eh.


film studies


Our hero. This strapping buck has history and sentiment – and some truly prodigeous facial hair – on its side. But the Boss Fight still hasn’t entered its final stage, and we don’t know what’s coming up the pipes next.

Silver Linings Playbook

film theory


It’s a perfectly fine movie, very charming, but the question begs asking: what is it doing here? Silver Linings has excellent performances, but is never wholly able to escape its utterly conventional script and movie-ending contrivance. Most of us like it, but we just don’t understand why anyone would pick it.

Zero Dark Thirty

film theory

Koopa Troopa

All business, spartan and serious, this is an uncompromising, take-no-prisoners look at Intelligence Warfare in the early 21st century. It’s undeniably formidable in combat. It’s also a little ridiculous, and the larger forces its serves have ultimately ensured it will probably get squashed underneath heel.

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2 Responses to My Thoughts On The Oscar Best Picture Race Expressed Through Super Mario Cart

  1. DillWonald says:

    I’m assuming Toad is Moonrise Kingdom? (Spriteful and joyful, but deemed too light to stay on the track)

  2. Well identified. And of course The Master is King Boo. It puts up an terrifying, imposing front, but what it leaves you with is pretty insubstancial.

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